Choosing Fear

Remember those pills you swallowed
that numbed you.
Remember that alcohol that followed
that numbed you.
Remember that hit that made
the world dizzy.
Remember how you thought
this was the only way to be.
Numb.

Remember how death was
close
But never close enough
and how you didn’t know
if you really wanted it.

Remember last night
coming back in the morning
sitting in a bed
soaked in piss
and vomit
you barely remember
coming up.

How bleach
couldn’t wash you.

Remember
begging for death
while clinging to hope that
one day
one day
it would all be different.

Most of all
remember that day
where you had enough
of your own bullshit.

Remember that day
when you decided
numb
was not a state of living
but a breathing version
of being dead.

Remember that day
that you chose pumping blood
discomfort
and fear.

Don’t ever forget choosing fear.
It breaths life
into collapsing lungs
from those nights
you don’t remember.

It’s okay
that you forgot those nights
But hold onto where they
brought you
who they had you become
in a dizzy world
spinning on an axis
that would never disappear
in all of your numbness.

Remember
how you could never
truly
be numbed.

For inside of you
lives a fighter
a seeker of truth.

Remember how
truth is not found
in bottles
pipes
or pills.
Remember also
that neither is the devil
or accompanying demons.

Remember
both are always
and simply
visiting you.
And sometimes it’s nice to see
a familiar face
sit down and have a drink
and reminisce on those
times they almost took you.

It’s okay to laugh with demons
cry with devils
and breathe with wings.
But remember
always remember
your mind is a revolving
door.
Don’t let them fool you with
pitiful stories
about how they have nowhere
to go.
The weather
will never be just right
for their kind.
They will fool you.

Oh, how they will fool you.
Let yourself be fooled.
But let yourself be felt
in all of your foolishness.
For wisdom
wisdom
wisdom
leases you too.