depression says
stay home
says they don’t want you there anyway
says who wants you there anyway
says listen to the voice inside
that says you don’t want to go

calls you selfish
says it’s not always about you
says if you cared less about you
you’d be less depressed
says get out
says show up
says put you aside

I stay home
think about what being there could have felt like
I stay home and want to rewind
want to get there on time
I imagine the table
hear the music
and I laugh

depression says
you don’t find things funny these days
says suicide has always been a bad joke
and you never make it to the punchline
ideation is just another thing you never finish on time.

says be quiet
says open up
says hold back
says who cries at the gym
when nothing is wrong but you
so be less you

says learn to be grateful
says learn to be happy
says you should be happy

asks
...

my mom
never burns candles
keeps them new and holy,
wicks white and untouched
likes to keep up appearances
buys new bed frames and rugs
but therapy is too expensive
I think therapy is a match she refuses to light
see, how she hates the melted wax
hates how the light dances chaotically on her walls
when I enter her house
I am a wick on fire
I am the dancing shadows
match in hand,
I, must be contained
As I am second hand store dresses
I can’t wait to show off
she is eye rolls
can’t stand the idea of anything used
of anything burned
says I cause second hand embarrassment
I am the candle wax she must wipe off the floor
I am the messes she’s made
when we go on a walk
the breeze chills my bones
I put on jackets in spring weather
she cannot stand a daughter warmed
tells me
if only I dressed better
the men would keep me around
the men
are smoking heroin
the men
are getting drunk...

to get out of bed
is often
not the first sign
but one of the biggest
I can tell you the time of day
based on where the sunlight
hits my walls
if the light is red
directly in my line of vision
on the wall at the end of the bed
I have a choice to make
get up now
and today is the day
things will turn for the better
but I sit and watch
close my eyes
for I swear, only a second
and next time they open
the light has moved to the right
its color is no longer deep
but bright
I know now we are nearing 8 am
if we haven’t already passed it
get up now
and today will be average
it will be another day
that I at least had breakfast before 11 am
I have a choice to make
but often find choices as a source of paralysis
decide
my body hurts and yearns for more sleep
but sometimes
too much sleep is actually why my body hurts
I close my eyes, swear, for just a second
but the...

have you found the parts of you
that have gotten away
that you’ve hid in the dry walls
and yet
can still hear traces of your neighbors
do you sit long enough in stillness
to realize how nothing about nothing matters
how your history is a memory
you can always rewrite
how you don’t have to write home
if you don’t want to
how blood
is just something that carries oxygen
and is not always a big deal
mute yourself once
and your body will learn the art
of shutting up
of growing small
for everyone but yourself
get loud once
and your body will learn the art
of always fighting back
can you go quiet
consciously?
be loud for yourself
as the biggest whisper?
say
I feel my heels and the balls of my feet
I have never stood taller than in this very moment
where the moment is just the sensation of
self pushing down
and earth pushing up
is this not all there is
at all...

look
the doctors can rip you open
create 4 peep holes
and still
remove nothing of substance
the pain
may only be multiplied
and you
have to convince yourself everyday
that it was all
with good reason
because the other option
is still
no solution
it is only
to fight yourself harder
and say
how you should have known better
when know no else does
there are some diseases
that remain mysterious
even when extracted
and tested
and verified
but still
your body remains
and maybe this is the best case scenario
that your body at the very least
remains
and it may still ask for the pain
to be killed
for heat to bring temporary relief
don’t allow yourself to go down the path
of all for not
this is a new path you carve now
one of grace
of compassion and kindness
for your desire of knowing and freedom
from bed ridden pain
and even if you

are still strapped to that...

what am I afraid of
if not my own judging mind
lay down excuse after excuse
cloak it as happiness
but remember
happiness in the rain on Broadway
parking a car in stress to land on a list
to get on a mic
and stand with the nerves
wrapped in sobriety
I’ve gotten cocky
tell them it’s not what I do anymore
like I’ve out grown growing on paper
but truly I miss it
wish I could write without judgement on my tail
but there she is
always tugging at me
pulling me back
reminding me some wells run dry
she says I’m full of dust
and I cough
a puff of smoke
and a dried out metaphor
call it writer’s block
that showed up in 2020
like the virus attacked something other than my lungs
what is a virus that pulls away at poetry?
that steals art to hang on no ones walls?
and if a painting crashes
you swear nobody hears it
and if a poet stop getting on the mic
you swear
no body...

do not punish yourself for taking a chance on the idea that taking out of you that which shouldn’t be there could bring you relief.

you chose for the knowing
and you chose with the hope that you were doing a good thing.

that your body was traumatized every month and that maybe now, without these extras, it could relax.

you chose to remove that which was causing inflammation.

your body right now, is healing.

your body right now, is inflamed.

if there is pain, it should be of no surprise.

give it time.

and if time comes and still, then take this as an opportunity to build compassion for yourself.

for the parts of you that said yes.

even when parts of you said no.

there was no clear pathway, and you are not to blame.

you chose what made sense.

and now you must heal.

and now, the choice was not wrong. as it will not be wrong tomorrow or a month from now.

you...

Sometimes love pops up in your top 10
then quickly evades it
hit refresh, but still love’s face doesn’t show
and the work must go on
but what if?
maybe nothing.
but what if?
maybe something,
once upon a time
until time passes and love,
circles back.

As the saying goes
let it go
and if it returns
it’s just pretty damn persistent
but if stays
if it stays you can’t help but wonder
what would this life be like
if you missed?

But it found you.
Like love has a knack for finding everything
look up
and love is holding your phone
look up
and love is holding your keys
look up,
and love
is holding a spoon.

How love is a story told,
how it starts
over a bowl of soup
she, reaches out for bean sprouts
and basil leaves
slowly tears them apart to release their flavor
and he
follows suit
they drop jalapenos in the water
and heat builds between them.
Give them 95...

I wanna fall in love like it’s magical
like every moment I didn’t have you was only a test
and though patience
was never my virtue
I waited anyway
to call you happy ending
to make everything ending before you make sense
every regret
now triumph
ever decision always made in the right direction
I call you true north
but still fail at cardinal directions
gps my way to you
even if all the roads have messes
we still end up here
just maybe not on time
I burn candles at the alter
pretend every woman has a witch inside her
wish upon shooting stars like
just one more will do the trick
but the city lights make magic
impossible to see so
11:11 strikes
and I rewind the clock
11:11 strikes
and I rewind the clock.