Cold Feet.

I decided last night
that I would sleep alone for the rest
of my life.
Mainly
since I had slept alone for all of
my life
and that even on those nights I spent
laying next to a warmer body
I felt more alone than when my
cold feet
only had each other
to keep company.

I’m not quite sure
if this realization brings me peace
or sadness.

This is either giving up
or giving in
to myself.

I’m also not sure if the latter there
is meant to be a good thing
or a bad thing.

To no one’s surprise
I am writing this alone in my bed
my feet
have never
felt colder.
I have a hunch the heater has been
giving me a headache
so now I fear too much heat
about as much as I hate the
oncoming cold.

He still sees me as an optimist
somehow.
He said so.
That despite it all,
“I love your heart.”

I thanked him from
the toilet.
He has no idea
how much either of those
things mean to me.
Vulnerable phone calls amidst dirty asses
and I love yous.

I don’t know how he knows my heart is so lovable though
no one has been close enough
to see it clearly.

And really
it’s just an organ pumping blood.

It’s just a good employee
a job well done.

Too bad it doesn’t send the blood
far enough to warm my extremities.
There’s no one monitoring its work
telling it
during winter months,
“You just gotta work a little harder sometimes.”

It doesn’t seem to listen
to anything I say.
Maybe that’s just payback
for all the times
I asked it to keep quiet.

Now it keeps me
a little too cold for comfort.
As if to have me always crave
another’s company
even when I’m better off
alone.

And you know what can really make
a girl feel lonely?

A man that asks that she not
come any closer
with those cold feet.
Now that’s a lonely night.
Laying next to warmth
that won’t give you a headache
but also
no relief.

I have to remind myself
he held that kind of coldness.
Yet I tell them,
“I was falling for his heart.”
You know
the warmness within
the part of him
that was clouded in smoke.
I pretended
I could see past the fog
for a while.

But I was only pretending.

I called him
apologizing for trying
to clear the air
while muffling his exhales.
I was only trying to change him
while changing myself
hoping one day
I’d look prettier
in his eyes.

I didn’t listen to the sounds he made
or
I only listened to the sounds he made
but I didn’t hear
what it was
that he was saying.

Mainly
that some things weren’t changing
anytime soon.
Like how I
wasn’t changing
anytime soon.

It seemed kinder
that I ignore him.
This was patience
in my eyes.

Clarity
only comes in spurts
you know?

And I
well I

“I was merely
falling for his heart,”
I said.
It’s also what I told them.

But that
it’s only bullshit
really
I was never close enough to see him
clearly.

And clarity
clarity only comes
in spurts.