love me

when he tells me he loves me
I only know how to ask why
or how
or don’t you see the mess I am?

I don’t say it back
don’t know if it’s him
or me.

know only how to chase it when
it’s not there
recoil back when it’s given freely.

but he really feels like something
and I really felt forever
and for a moment I was not scared.

But now am terrified.

How do I say I love you
to fear?
to,
“I’ll wear you out one day.”
to,
everything I’ve ever wanted
but still feeling
like it’s not enough.

Because I
have always felt like
too much.

And it will drown us both
and it will be unforgettable.

How do I hold onto a thing
that feels like everything
and nothing at the same time?

like I could just let go
and momentarily feel totally fine.

until I’m not
until I’m trying to say I love you in the mirror
but I cannot say it back

and I don’t know if it’s me
or me.