On Passion

I can say I’m lucky to have found my passion. I can say I’m lucky that I had a conversation that changed the trajectory of my life. Or I can own this trajectory; I can own that I wasn’t happy where I was, and that I was never willing to settle. I struggled, I tested different avenues, I worked out of different environments, I learned the benefits of a steady pay check, and I learned the hardships of not knowing when the next check was coming in. It wasn’t luck that brought me passion, it wasn’t circumstance, it was creation. I wasn’t lucky, I was determined.

I was working out with a friend today, talking about the relief that I’ve experienced ever since I found my present purpose. She asked about a mutual friend, who too seems to have found his passion; working with kids with special needs. She spoke, a bit resigned, about how lucky I am to have found my passion, and how she just doesn’t know what hers is. More than not knowing what her passion is, she basically stated that she simply doesn’t have one. She stated she had never experienced adversity that resulted in such a passion. I listened, threw in suggestions, and then the topic eventually changed but remained on my mind. Did my passion arise out of my adversity? Yes, sort of. Does passion arise out of adversity? Sure, yes, maybe, no.

Adversity was clearly a piece of my story, and to a degree it has led to my success in the field of recovery. Adversity gave me a platform to speak from, but was it necessary? No. Anyone could have come in, realized that what the world of recovery is missing is unity and choice, and strove to fulfill on that possibility. But nobody did, I did. Was it because I used to struggle with substance use myself? Yes. But I’ll ask again, was it because I used to struggle with substance abuse myself? No. I answer no because there are countless numbers of people who have struggled with substance use, and yet they didn’t take this on. I don’t say that to toot my own horn, my point here is that I stepped into my passion by choice, and through action. I didn’t have to have a story; I just had to take a stand. In taking a stand I found my passion. In finding my passion, I found the courage to let go of what I had expected to be my passion, but never was.

In taking a stand, I found my passion. In finding my passion, I found the courage to let go of what I had expected to be my passion, but never was. My friend has settled for a job that she hates not because she isn’t capable of anything else, but because she doesn’t have a passion that will have her strive elsewhere. We look for a passion, for a dream, that justifies us taking a stand or taking a risk. But we have it ass backwards. Before I took a stand for the recovery community, I could not care less what was going on with the recovery community. Seriously, I had no idea what was going on in that world, I personally didn’t even see myself as being a part of it. I was someone that struggled with substance use, and eight years later found a path out that worked for me. That WAS the end of my story. During my time at CU Boulder I considered working in a rehab center. I literally ran into a center (while on a run, it’s Boulder for god’s sake) and asked if I could volunteer, sit in on a session, anything to see if working in a rehab center was what I could do as a career (in other words, to see if this was my passion). They told me I needed to be psychology grad student as well as commit to volunteer for year. I said fuck it, and went on with my run. There was no passion at play there, no, that was me trying to find my passion, ass backwards. Coincidentally, I’m currently striving to make it in the same field, but this time I have more passion than I know what to do with. You can’t shut me up.

My passion, my journey [the quick version]. When we graduate high school, we apply to college with this misperception that coming out of college, we will have a career that we love, that we are so passionate about, and that pays us more than a decent pay check. I started off college as a math major, you know, because I was passionate about math, and then I got a C in Honors Calculus 2, and dropped that major to take on the cushy major of, “open option.” I wasn’t passionate about math; I was passionate about my high school math classes that just happened to have some of my favorite teachers. I hated my CU professor, and so I hated math. It had nothing to do with math. From there I went to sociology, ultimately double majoring in sociology and Russian. But some point during my studies I started beating myself up for dropping the math major, for not pursuing science, and…for not going to CSU (blasphemy!) where I could major in something like nutrition or health and exercise. So I stuck around at CU, took all the tough prereqs that would get me into the CSU grad program for nutrition, and then I never went. I loved my nutrition course at CU, studied my ass off to be qualified for a masters, and then moved home. I met with a nutritionist, studied on and off for the GRE, and finally realized I did not want to think about food anymore than I already did. During that time, I got certified as a trainer, got some experience, and then started my own business. Of course, I should have been doing that all along; everyone knew I should be a trainer. Yet in being a trainer I lost all of my passion for working out on my own, started caring less and less about the state of my business, and simultaneously took on taking a stand outside of myself. In taking a stand outside of myself, I created a passion, and with that I quit my job.

People say that love comes to you when you stop looking. I think those people are lazy and hopeful. It seems that my passion just showed up like love, when I stopped looking. Did it take me by surprise? Yes, but it was no accident and it also wasn’t fate. I hope that gives everyone reading this at least a crumb of peace of mind. My adversity did not result in my passion, if it did; I think I would have found it sooner. You do not need to go through Hell to find your purpose in life. Does it help? Some times. But it can also kill you, so let’s not play that game. So how do you find your passion? I think the first step is to not sit around hoping it finds you. The second step is to explore, to actively explore and to create your own pathway. I spent a lot of time looking into the lives of others, talking to them about their careers, hoping in that I would hear a story that sounded worthy of following. Yet the path that grasped me was the one that I created myself. And the path that grasped me was the one that allowed me to be myself while taking a stand for everyone else. I wasn’t born to do this, I chose to. There’s nothing special about my story, I just wasn’t happy with my old one, so I created anew. Passion isn’t going to come knocking on your door, at least not without you first building it. So build your door and take a stand, and with that, figure out what needs you.