Pill
It’s moments like this where
I wonder if a pill could save me.
I wonder how much pride
could kill me
and I can’t swallow that pill
because I can’t swallow my pride
I tell myself it’s the demons that
lurk inside
that I must fight
I must fight
And it’s moments like this I wonder
if a pill is what I need
But I can’t swallow a pill
because I can’t swallow my pride
I tell myself that
it’s really fucking dark
inside
but it’s me
who has to survive
Me who has to survive
And if I take a pill
I’m not sure
that it’s really
my life
I’m not sure
if it’s really
my mind
If I take a pill
I’m not sure
I’ll be right
I don’t know
who I’ll be
and maybe
fucking maybe
it just won’t save me
and what if it doesn’t
save me?
But what if it saves me
so fucking good
What if it saves me
and takes all those dark moments
and lets them last
just a day
what if saves me
and takes those dark moments
and lets them last
just an hour
what if it saves me
and takes those dark moments
lets them be light?
What if I never give it up?
What if I never
actually get to experience
the fight?
I’ll tell you
I’m a warrior
and most days
some days
there are days
where I am.
But I’m fighting myself
most times
and strong minded
we can’t be sure
either side can
survive.
The battle field
is left empty
corpses
a gentle reminder
that things once
were alive.
And there is nothing I want to
fill this space with
there is no one
I want to fill
this space with.
Imagine that
terrified
to go home
and terrified to call them
because I’m afraid that in their presence
I’ll just feel
more alone.
Unable to be
with my being.
The words escape me
and they tell me
maybe this
this is what I really need
to calm a mind
with this bad habit
to constantly feed.
But I’m scared
I’ll get hooked
on feeling okay
I’m scared
that I’ll get hooked
on feeling happy
while not knowing
if this happy
is what I actually asked for
not knowing
if this happy
is actually real
or if this happy
is that thing
that they brought me
and it made me feel
like steal
Like I’m unbreakable now
I can’t be faltered now
I can be happy now
I can smile joyously now
You’ll think I’m beautiful now
I’m fucking beautiful now
And I fight it beautifully now
I write I beautifully now
But I just can’t take it down
I just can’t take it down