Punishment

Sometimes
I can’t look at you
and keep the tears close to me
they run without my pressing
without my pushing
they just show up
stream down this face
be it sand
we have made rivers
my bed has become an ocean
recycling this water back to me
to remind me
how the same moment
can still cause rain
how heavy clouds can’t float forever
and my
aren’t we the darkest storm to enter
these four walls?

When you leave
I pace a kitchen through blurred vision
tell myself
next time
I will bring sunshine
let you see me light
see what warmth I can bring
when I’m not falling victim to patterns
by next time
I have grown fond again of everything we once were
I’ve made you lovely
made me crazy
blamed anxiety
told myself to breathe in every moment I instead wanted to run
but did not trust my feet to take me in the right direction.

So I stood still for you
hoped maybe you’d bring sunshine
but you brought silence
and I filled it with all of the things you did not want to hear
you called it punishment
wondered if it was worth it
I heard
how you wonder if I am worth it?
So I apologized for the damage I did not do
but sat in
held your hand in
tried to pick myself up and reach for promised love
that never came
so I dried my rivers
called in drought
so that you did not have to swim in this ocean
take down salt water you call retribution
but I call healing.

And you hope that one day
I will forgive you
but that day was yesterday
it was the day before that
it was the day that I learned the truth
and stayed
I have forgiven you
every day
but that does not wipe me clean
does not mean I will not have to talk about the pain again
recount it with her
then recount it with you when you ask
why my cheeks have become river beds
as you rest your head on this ocean floor
fight yourself not to leave
see me as the damage you did.

Yet call me a blessing
claim me
to be the woman that you love
tell me how you see me at the end of every path
but refuse to hike that trails that lead there
my dear
I am unpaved
I am weathered by many storms
you, my love were one of them
but I am so much more than the damage you did
see how I am worthy

Remember me.
Remember how I watered this bed of love anyway
turned it to ocean
turned it to dessert
anything to survive the given season
but it was never enough.

Now
I stand in a meadow
breathe into a chest that has long not felt expansion
I carry it to my gut
hope it hears my apology for not listening
and by the moon’s light I spread new seeds
water them in the morning
“remember me,” I whisper to myself
nod my head yes
and breathe.