Recovery

When they tell you what recovery looks like
don’t believe them.
Don’t believe them when they start counting days
as if using really meant it’s time they start over.
Recovery is not chips in a jar
or chips in a hand
or chips in a bag
as they smash when they land.

I know I man who held me heart
at the same time that he held
a pipe
and I never saw him
in his confession months
down the line

as
starting over.

When they tell you what recovery looks like
and what step is the starting point
don’t believe them.
Sometimes this shit works backwards
sometimes there aren’t steps
but walls to build and then to climb over.
Sometimes there are circles
and maybe
maybe you’re trapped in a cycle
but circles and cycles aren’t always bad things.

When they tell you to put yourself first
don’t believe them.
When they tell you to put them first
don’t believe them.

When they tell you it’s cold turkey
or it’s weaning off the good shit
or you gotta feel the pain to remember not to shoot the good shit
don’t believe them.

Pain has been your greatest teacher
and lessens brought you here.
See pain has never been your greatest teacher
and an extra dose of suffering may only fuel your fear.

When they tell you the needle also means the bottle or the joint
don’t believe them.
When they tell you the bottle means the bottle don’t believe them.
The bottle might actually mean your heart or your family or your
see the bottle never actually means the bottle.

See recovery is counting chips
and swearing there are none
recovery is giving it over to higher power
and denying the existence of one.
Recovery is putting down the bottle
or learning to pick it up differently.

When they tell you what recovery looks like
show them what recovery looks like
Recovery looks like me.

But when I tell you what recovery looks like
Please
don’t believe me.