Weight

It fell upon me,
But I swear I didn’t want it.

And they ask why did you catch it?
I was protecting myself.

What is it?
It’s pain, it’s hurt, it’s loneliness, it’s depression,
I don’t know,
It’s dark, and it’s heavy.

I push it away to look from a distance,
Define it.
But I can’t see it, I can’t hold it.
I caught it, but I can’t set it free.

They ask me,
How can they help.
And I talk, release, but the weight stays.
I can’t share it.
Lucky them.
Poor me.

What is it?
Again I say I don’t know.
It’s everything.
And it’s nothing.
And I made it up but I can’t make something up in its place.
I can’t fill this darkness with light that I can’t see.

Let it go they say,
You caught it, just let it go.
I look at my hands and it’s not there.

I can’t let go.
There is nothing to release.

But my chest, it’s heavy, and it hurts.
And it keeps me up at night,
And it wakes me in the morning.

The thoughts keep coming,
And I swear I didn’t put them there.
But they show up,
And they barely scare me.
Just barely.

And I close my eyes in motion.
But the thoughts keep coming.
And they land in my chest.

And I walk with this heavy chest.
That wakes me.
That slows me.

Let it go they say,
But I hold on.
Just hoping for lightness,
To arise from the light that I can’t see.