what came first

I walk into a kitchen
full of dirty dishes
sink
doesn’t know itself
to be any different lately

walk into my living room
dog food
has crawled from kitchen tiles
to living room carpet
I have been looking at these crumbs for days

the vacuum
is all set and ready to go
cord
pulled form it’s core
plug
laying at the foot of the outlet
but the dirt remains

I walk into my bedroom
unkept bed
dog hair
has begun to build foothills
in every corner

I did not shower today
my sheets
must hug this salt soaked body

because this body
still makes it to the gym

but the gym
no longer brings home joy

I ask
what came first?

Depression
or this unmade bed?
Dishes
or deprivation of things that
once made me happy?

I show up to therapy
like I know how
there are two of them now
and some weeks
I make the drive three times

I don’t feel like I’m getting any better.

Ask my therapist
if we can drop anxiety
and work on depression instead
therapist
says this depression
is just that
is just anxiety
taking a breather
it’s exhaustion
it’s the other option

Most days I don’t feel hunger
but still go out for groceries
these
are my proudest moments
that I’m still willing to
put something in this body to keep it alive

my self care
looks like eating a meal
especially when I don’t want to

looks like
pulling rotted roots
from a plant I drowned
because I was afraid of how long I kept it thirsty

and I know
there are parts of me
that also so desperately need to go
so they do not infect the rest of me

but I panic
in not knowing where

depression
tells me where is
located in the people I lost long ago
tells me where
is young
and youthful
and all the things I could have become
but didn’t
tells me it’s impossible
to find it now

depression
keeps screaming
too late

and I listen

do not give this poem
a happy ending
do not pretend
I know how this bout ends

I just keep showing up
like I know how.