When in Doubt…
I was told to hold a page for a list of thoughts that arise that are inconsistent with my drive to complete this project that I have signed up for. Currently, I believe that it may be more useful to have a list or a reminder of why this is the project I signed up for. I have recently recognized that in sharing what I intend to do with my business; I create not only an environment of accountability, but an environment of belief. Sometimes I get overwhelmed with my vision, I get caught up in my lip service, recognize my lip service, then scare myself out of any action that will make my vision real. I am scared of failing; I am scared to take actions that will not produce my expected results. Sometimes, I really don’t believe in myself. I question my motives, my intentions, my expectations. I question my ability to make a difference, I question my credibility to work with addicts, I question my education, I compare myself to others. But in sharing my vision, I have inspired others to believe in me. Remember, when you don’t believe in yourself, there are others who believe in you.
Jackson- “I don’t see this failing”
Pasha- “This sounds cliché, but you HAVE to do it.”
“You are unique, the way you speak, your vulnerability, it’s very profound.”
Paul (from coffee shop) - “You’re a very good speaker. You look people in the eyes, you move.”
Even with all the belief around me, there may be times where others cannot convince me. The only person that will be able to bring me out of my doubt will be me. In that moment I will have to dismantle the fear that drives me to give up, to quit, to actually fail. This isn’t a pep talk based on cliché slogans and lines of motivation. This is a process, a dissection of story, a statement of reality. What fear is present right now? Dissect all the bullshit you wrote above, test the process.
“I get caught up in my lip service, recognize my lip service, then scare myself out of any action that will make my vision real.” – In short, I’m scared that I’m all talk, because many times I have been. My fear is that I will talk, but will not do. That is the fear. Discredit that fear. Take an action, right now, that contradicts the statement that I am all talk. So act. Act with intention, but accept that the result of that action may not be the one that you expected; for better or for worse. TAKE ACTION, RIGHT NOW.
“I am scared of failing; I am scared to take actions that will not produce my expected results.” – There are two fears here.
One, I am scared of failing. What does failing look like? Ultimate failure would be my vision, never coming into existence. Ultimate failure is my vision remaining just that, a vision, lip service. The quickest way to failure? To believe that failure exists; and to act upon that belief. Acting upon that belief, means doing nothing, it is inaction. What is the quickest way to success? Really believing that failure does not exist. Failure does not exist. Failure does not exist unless I let it. As long as I continue taking actions towards my vision (which I accept may transform and mend along the way) I am not failing. However, my actions must be significant, noteworthy. How do I know which action was actually a success? I took that action I was putting off; I took the action that scared me. I was nervous, I felt amazing that I got it done.
Two, I am scared of things not going as planned. Things rarely go as planned. Note first, that there is both good and bad in this statement; though I often read it only as the worst case scenario. There is always the chance that things will go better than planned, and if I look back to just yesterday’s meeting with Pasha, this was exactly the case. I planned to go to the coffee shop to talk to Pasha, hear his story and share mine. I expected motivation from hearing his sharing and I expected support from him, in listening to mine. I got both. I intended to stay after our meeting to write, to take action for my business, and I did. Unexpectedly, I met a man, a frequent customer, as well as the owner of the shop, that gave me a list of people to talk to. I opened my notebook and jotted down names, descriptions, etc. I was given leads. I also ran into a high school teacher, who I shared my vision with because of the push from Paul, who wanted me to tell my teacher exactly what I was up to; he was that inspired. My teacher gave me advice, took my card, and said he would refer me. Maybe he will, maybe he won’t, but someone will as long as I keep going.
“Sometimes, I really don’t believe in myself. I question my motives, my intentions, my expectations.”
The easiest way to lose faith is to create a track record of failure. Why don’t I believe in myself? Because sometimes I quit when things got hard, when things didn’t go my way, or I just got lazy. So lazy. Note the word “sometimes,” because realistically, I have also succeeded at a lot of things; my mind just seems to focus on those things that I considered failures. And at this point I’m not convinced real failure exists beyond quitting…I’ve quit (that just went full circle). So don’t quit, complete this project. If it’s not forever, it is for now, create milestones and meet them. That will build self-confidence; accomplishments along the way.
It seems I can’t escape from questionability. My self-awareness is amazing, it’s also a bitch. Just when I state “this is it,” I get hung up on, “is this it?” I question if what I am doing is enough, I question what led me there, I question why I thought this was a good idea in the first place, I question, I question, I question. The best way to address this questioning is to accept that it will be there no matter what the hell I’m doing. Also, there is no real consequence of this internal turmoil as long as it does not stop the process going on outside. Don’t let it stop the process. Don’t let it stop the process. Think about the end result. If my motives were not always pure, if my intentions were self-centered, if my expectations went array, the end result, as a vision, must be enough of a drive to make all those doubts miniscule in the grand scheme of things. I can save someone’s life. They can save someone’s life. That can be a real consequence of action, that can be a real result, as long as the inner turmoil does not barricade forward motion.
I question my ability to make a difference, I question my credibility to work with people struggling with substance use, I question my education, I compare myself to others.
I am not small. My voice is hard to silence. Sometimes it drives me insane, but it drives me. It drives me to be heard. Ever since I can remember, my voice urged that it be heard. My voice is not small. My voice can make a difference. If I speak, commit, act in accordance to that word, then I will make a difference. I must remember to not act on question, but on statement. If I listen to the word of all of my questionability, damn right I won’t make a difference. If I listen to my statements, to my past experiences that led me to believe that this can work, I will make a difference.
Credibility, education, comparison. There will always be people more educated than me, more experienced, more credible, more anything. “Everyone you meet knows something that you don’t.” If I let this stop me, I may as well coop myself up in my room until the day that I die; with this mindset, I will never be good enough. I think I am not good enough because I do not have a formal education in addiction. I don’t know the science behind physical addiction; I don’t know the science behind neurological discrepancies between a normal brain and a brain of an addict.
There are things I don’t know. I feel as if it has been wired into me that I need a paper document stating that, “these things have been learned,” in order to feel that I am good enough to speak on a matter. I don’t. I have firsthand experience in losing control to a substance, and firsthand experience in gaining control and taking responsibility. I have this narrative of experience. I also have a never ending desire to learn. It would be naïve of me to deny that I will come across conflicts where I do not know that answer as has been proven by science (for now); I cannot ignore the things I don’t know, but strive to learn them as they show up. I must be aware of the information out there, and I must learn it, in the very least, to gain credibility among others. And I must remember, I am a college graduate and a business owner. I am educated and always willing to learn. I cannot allow myself to be limited by a paper that was not specific enough to what I want to do now. That is a cop out. Maybe the day will come when I figure out exactly what I need to do formally, to better what I have started; but until that day arrives, I cannot let that stop what I am doing right now. This will work, as long as I keep up the action.