a note to self - read when surgery spiraling

do not punish yourself for taking a chance on the idea that taking out of you that which shouldn’t be there could bring you relief.

you chose for the knowing
and you chose with the hope that you were doing a good thing.

that your body was traumatized every month and that maybe now, without these extras, it could relax.

you chose to remove that which was causing inflammation.

your body right now, is healing.

your body right now, is inflamed.

if there is pain, it should be of no surprise.

give it time.

and if time comes and still, then take this as an opportunity to build compassion for yourself.

for the parts of you that said yes.

even when parts of you said no.

there was no clear pathway, and you are not to blame.

you chose what made sense.

and now you must heal.

and now, the choice was not wrong. as it will not be wrong tomorrow or a month from now.

you imagined a future, and it made sense in that moment to take a risk and see if that future could come to fruition.

have grace as you move through this.

have grace for yourself and have grace for those around you.

and note, do not blame others for your pain, and do not blame others for their absence.

instead look at all that has come to you in this time.

a packed fridge.
a beautiful quilt.
neighbors that you can reach out to.
fresh squeezed pomegranate juice.
friends that will come and help you walk your dog.
that will guide you through a meditation.
so many facetimes.
an offer for a place to stay.
so many flowers that your one vase could never.
a slew of texts.
and always mr. darby dog.

reread this often.

you are not to blame for this disease. or the other one.

and you are not to blame for the actions you’ve taken to rid yourself of it.

right now, you hurt.
specifically right now, your head hurts.
you are having a common response you often have to this pain.
it has become emotional in addition to being physical.

do not blame the world for this pain.

allow yourself time to heal.

and see how often you can practice mindfulness in these times.

maybe you need to cry and grieve.
maybe you need sleep.
maybe you need to cuddle darby dog and breathe.

what meaning are you making?
can you get curious?
if this pain is here to stay, how can you approach it differently?