body poems

once a month
I count down the days to the day
my body tries to out bleed itself
I wash blood soaked fabric after blood soaked fabric
shocked
there is enough blood to still feed my cells

one time
an explosion started in my body
my body knew I couldn’t handle the pain
so it knocked me out
this is where I learned
how I am not my body
it blows my mind that there is a mechanism
designed to save me from incoming pain
to separate me from this bag of flesh
only to come back to it later

sometimes this thing that is designed to heal
can make itself sick from the inside
I woke just in time for detonation
I waited for death that never came
just an ambulance that was too late
and a man
asking if it was just a panic attack
I’ve never panicked my way into passing out
or woke my way into so much pain
I couldn’t stand the heat
tried to rip all the clothes off my body
remembered my grandmother trying to rip all her clothes off her body
as she slowly died for a week
I swear
I thought death was coming quickly
but it was just a ride to the Philly ER
they didn’t look for bombs
blamed period cramps and syncope
like “sometimes
your body just does that”

this is where I learned to listen to my body
I don’t trust a medical system that
since 19 has suggested cutting it apart
I don’t trust a medical system that
says “sometimes a body just does that”
another doctor told me I had 24 hours to go back
to search for the bomb and hope
it wasn’t twisted
killing parts of me off

my friend’s mom
beat cancer
that held a 1% survival rate
but once your body gets so sick from the inside
you can’t help but worry
about what organ gets taken next
she lost her voice and claimed
her lungs had fallen victim
we think women are fucking crazy for
knowing things that they can’t possibly know
but then they had to treat the tumor in her lungs
I think witches were women
that didn’t know magic but could feel the truth
and when the truth came true
they were burned at the stake
I hope my friend’s mom
hears her body
and thanks it for every warning
I hope my friends mom holds onto every cell still healthy
I hope if ever her body says it’s time
she smiles and prepares for her journey
it sucks
sometimes we spend so much time
protecting our bodies from the sun
only to burn from the inside.