Late Nights and Cigarettes
I find a kind of peace
in the scent you’ve left
with me.
But these things
these things tend to
fade quickly.
Hooked. I think
and sense
this is nothing
but a warning sign
something similar
to an ignorant
denial.
You’re everything
I’ve said no to.
But these red flags
aren’t blowing in the wind
like they used to.
Your scent
brings me a kind of peace.
I think this is cigarettes
and late nights
inhale
and release.
But I breathe you in
and try to hold you
in every second.
The distribution of your cells within
my chest
it’s unhealthy obsession.
I don’t know what
smells good anymore.
Or what my own skin
is supposed to remind
me of.
I’ve lost all my senses
it’s all mixed up.
These are late nights
and cigarettes
and I remember
how I don’t want
to go back to those
moments
that I used to forget.
But I already seem to be
forgetting,
what it is I’m made for.
Seem to be forgetting
who it is
I’d wait for.
There is no timeline
on transformation
change is not
instantaneous
but a gathering of moments
a congregation.
I have more patience
than either of us
is used to.
I inhale nicotine
and think of the things
I could do for you.
I have to remind myself
the scent you’ve left me with
is not that of your skin.
That which catches my attention
has been factory made,
and you
well you’re always wiped clean.
But I think you’ll see one day
that scrub
gargle
and spit
the dirt left inside
you can’t wash away.
Like how I can’t
rid myself
of the things that make me human.
The scents I’d like to do without
they
always do me in.
Note all the running thoughts
that seem to make me
so intense
it’s a scent I have to live with it
any sign of cleanliness
is only a pretense.
So I choose to show you
a mind
that caught you in the first place
then I try to ease it back
catch those moments
try to erase.
Then I sit amidst your scent
and try to remember
who I came for
I’ve lost myself among
the particles
convincing myself who
to stay for.
And I know
I can do without
late nights
and cigarettes
but there was that time
where you reminded me
of those moments
that I had grown
to forget.