losing the will

to get out of bed
is often
not the first sign
but one of the biggest
I can tell you the time of day
based on where the sunlight
hits my walls
if the light is red
directly in my line of vision
on the wall at the end of the bed
I have a choice to make
get up now
and today is the day
things will turn for the better
but I sit and watch
close my eyes
for I swear, only a second
and next time they open
the light has moved to the right
its color is no longer deep
but bright
I know now we are nearing 8 am
if we haven’t already passed it
get up now
and today will be average
it will be another day
that I at least had breakfast before 11 am
I have a choice to make
but often find choices as a source of paralysis
decide
my body hurts and yearns for more sleep
but sometimes
too much sleep is actually why my body hurts
I close my eyes, swear, for just a second
but the light
has made it to the laminate floor
this
is where hope is drained out of me
get up now
and it’s already too late
get up now
if only to start the countdown until tomorrow
until the light is red
directly in my line of vision
on the wall at the end of the bed
I have a choice to make.