Choice in Recovery has been one hell of a ride, filled with the usual ups and downs that come along with any endeavor that carries a vision but no clear path towards its realization. The help that I received on this project has been amazing, and simply necessary. Every person that has showed up to a meeting, replied to an email, picked up a phone, met for coffee, printed flyers, etc. has played a role in pushing the project forward as it constantly transformed into what it is today. I thank all of you, for the praise, for the collaboration of ideas, and for the rejection. AND for the rejection. This isn’t some bullshit line of, “This is for my haters.” No, this is a thank you, for knocking me down just a little, opening my eyes to what can REALLY be, and giving me the necessary push to clarify a vision and solidify it in reality. Thank you all for being a part of a conversation...

I was told to hold a page for a list of thoughts that arise that are inconsistent with my drive to complete this project that I have signed up for. Currently, I believe that it may be more useful to have a list or a reminder of why this is the project I signed up for. I have recently recognized that in sharing what I intend to do with my business; I create not only an environment of accountability, but an environment of belief. Sometimes I get overwhelmed with my vision, I get caught up in my lip service, recognize my lip service, then scare myself out of any action that will make my vision real. I am scared of failing; I am scared to take actions that will not produce my expected results. Sometimes, I really don’t believe in myself. I question my motives, my intentions, my expectations. I question my ability to make a difference, I question my credibility to work with addicts, I...

I write upon a blank computer screen, producing words for the mere practice, the mere art of them making an appearance that is in shape constant, bland really, but in experience, profound. For this I read the prose of seemingly educated authors. A text that placed next to any other text, is more or less identical, but contains experience that is so versatile; sometimes classified as punishment, yet in another space, pleasure. I dive in, to an extent, to escape my life, and then to a greater degree, to gain perspective on my life that wasn’t present before. Yet, I don’t think I am gaining perspective. For if I was, then I could gain it, and at the snap of my fingers, change it for my own. No, I am not gaining perspective, I am gaining language. I am rephrasing that which already exists in my mind; I am placing new words to the never ending turmoil, and I am attempting at making it...

As my interest in becoming involved in the field of substance recovery spiked, I began discussing my ideas with a past user, who in present day is an active participant in AA (let us call her Amy). I spoke of my personal experience, how I went from overindulging, mainly with alcohol, to drinking moderately. I spoke of my experience in retrospect, I had come from believing that I suffered from something that I couldn’t control, to having what I see as full control. I was an alcoholic, I am not an alcoholic now. Unimaginable in common speak; impossible.

I was no stranger to the discourse of disease (for a long time I lived my life by it) but I never truly considered what it meant for alcoholism to be labeled a disease, until my conversation with this past user. She stated what wasn’t present for me before (not word for word, but quotes for simplicity), “My brain is wired...

We live in an age, where we work more on our presentation of self, than we do on self as it stands alone. We hide behind social media, creating put together, smiling faces, when underneath it all, we suffer. As we look upon the images of our friends, or of those we have lost contact with, we compare and instill in our minds that we suffer alone. And yet, we are not ignorant. We know, we know, that others deal with things we can’t imagine, that we are left only to imagine. Social media out of the equation, we present in life as we do on a computer screen. We hold it together as we walk through space. No use in involving others into the doom we have set upon ourselves. We walk on, we beat the demons that raise arms to us, and then we carefully hide their corpses. But to who, do we grant this favor?

In creating Choice Over Disease, a friend asked me what has led me to open up...

At thirteen, I experienced my first buzz. I recognized, at age thirteen, that I had a relationship with alcohol that was different from those around me. I cried because I loved it, I cried because I was scared of how much I loved it, I cried because I felt that what was going on within me was different from everyone around me. At thirteen I stepped onto a road that would lead me close to death. Maybe that was the day I became an alcoholic. Maybe. Or maybe that was the day I chose to be an alcoholic. In either case, that was the day that my profound relationship with alcohol began to rule my life.

At sixteen, my best friend, called me an alcoholic. This did not come from anger, it did not come from spite, and it did not come from ignorance. My best friend lived with a mother who drank daily, and in excess. My friend learned, from a young age, what it meant to be in alcoholic...